Hello, lovelies! May wasn’t the greatest month for me for a multitude of reasons. I didn’t get a lot done. It was very restful, but emotional if you know what I mean. I’ll go into everything at the end, but I pretty much did nothing productive this month. I slept, watched T.V. and talked to my friends, but didn’t accomplish the majority of my goals. Hopefully, this month will be better.
Last Month’s Post – My May Goals & April Reflection| 2020
//How I Did On My May Goals//
- Complete RBT Training – I did the bare minimum for everything in May. Applying to graduate school was highest on my priority list. Everything else fell through the cracks.
Apply To Grad School– Complete. I decided to apply for a graduate certificate because when I actually go to graduate school, I want to be able to work in a clinic and learn the practical aspects of my career in person. This is also a one semester thing that I can complete online during quarantine.Harry Potter Movie Marathon– Complete. I was originally just going to post a movie ranking, but I started typing out my thoughts while watching the movies and sending them to my friends. They were long enough to be their own blog posts, so expect two very nonsensical but fun Harry Potter blog posts next week. (Sorry if you’re not a fan and don’t understand the context of anything). It’s been really fun to write.Watch All The Disney Animal Movies(Ongoing) – This wasn’t a goal for the entire month, so I’m counting it as complete because I did watch a few. My favorite so far has been The Aristocats. I didn’t remember anything about it, so it was like watching it for the first time. I also really enjoyed Bambi II.- Deep Clean & Organize Room – Not really. I did clean and declutter my bookshelf, which was really nice. I took my college textbooks downstairs and cleared out my college things. It was very cathartic. (I don’t remember if I did this in May or April, but I cleaned up my computer desktop and it made a huge difference).
- Post Europe Photos &
Backup Other Photos– I didn’t post my Europe photos, but I did start going through and organizing all the photos on my computer and backing them up. Work Out– I did exercise, but not as frequently as I would’ve liked to.- Finish 8 Books – Nope. I did read, just not eight books.
- Post on blog twice a week – A big no. I really did try, but I wasn’t in the best head space for it. Part of it is that I’ve been struggling with maintaining a routine that includes blogging, but it was mostly that I didn’t feel like writing. I think I’ll do better this month.
Build weekends into my routine– Complete. I made sure to have days during the week where I had nothing on my to-do list and could relax.- Weekly goals (paint, sudoku,
journal) – I did journal every week just for the sake of documenting everything going on and how I felt. I did paint and do Sudoku puzzles, just not every week.
//My June Goals//
//Vote!
I have already sent in my application for my mail in ballot and am waiting for it to come in the mail. If it doesn’t come in time, I’m going to go to my polling place and vote. That’d be the most exposure I’ve had to other people since March, but it’s worth it for me. Please vote in your local elections this month. It’ll make a difference.
(My absentee ballot did come in time and I was able to mail it before the Georgia election today)
//Complete RBT Training
Again, this isn’t super high on my priority list. I have time to do it, but I want to finish it soon so that I can get the certificate and move onto other things. (I don’t know when I’ll be able to take the test, but I would like to at least finish the training.)
//Add Google Adsense To Blog
This has been a long time coming. I was approved years ago but never added them. I’ve always had mixed feelings about putting ads here because it’s something I do for fun, but I shouldn’t feel ashamed for making money off of it.
//Go Through And Post Europe Photos
It has literally been a year and I’ve only posted half of them. I probably won’t add them to my album this month because I don’t want to take away from the Black Lives Matter protests, but I do want to finally go through them.
//Unpack and Organize Room
I haven’t unpacked yet because my brother wouldn’t let me. (Context: my brother has autism) He doesn’t understand that I’m not going back to college, so anytime I bring my bags inside, it stresses him out. He literally put the duffel bag I used to tote my stuff back and forth back into the garage, so I haven’t attempted to unpack.
I also want to clean and organize my room in general. I’d like to post a room tour in a few months since I’d like to document what my childhood bedroom looks like before I move out, and it’s decorated really nicely.
//Publish 2 Blog Posts Per Week
I am really going to try to do it this month. I know that I’ve really enjoyed reading blogs and watching YouTube videos during quarantine, even though I haven’t felt like putting content out there. I really want to start writing again because it’s very therapeutic for me. If Blackout Tuesday continues, my posting day will likely change to Wednesday. If not, I’ll still aim to post Tuesdays.
//Read 5 Books
I’m in the middle of three books that I need to finish for May this week, so I’ll start counting books after I finish those. I don’t push myself to wrap up books by the end of the month. I finish them when I finish them. I usually track this goal based on the books I started that month, and base my blog posts on that.
//Learn A Dance
This is a fun goal inspired by my cousin Orin. We used to do it all the time and this has been a frequent goal for her since quarantine started. I don’t think that I can dance well anymore, but I still have fun doing it. I’ll probably pick a YouTube video and copy the choreography.
//Weekly Goals
- Water Color Painting
- Journal
- Sudoku or Word Search
- Group Video Call
//Daily Goals
- Read Physical Book
- Audiobook
- Go Outside
- Work out
- Call or text a friend
//May Recap & Reflection//
A lot of stuff happened last month, so I’m just going to go through it in order from the beginning. I don’t plan on writing informative things on Black Lives Matter because there are reputable sources on that, and I don’t think it will be useful to write it here. I’m just going talk about how I’ve been feeling all month and leave a few links down below of places to donate and things we all can do.
Disclaimer – I wrote this at 2 AM last night and rambled a lot.
I took my last final on May 1st and was officially done with college. I had worked through the fact that my senior year was over and wouldn’t have a “real” graduation after two months in quarantine, but I wasn’t prepared for how sad and kind of empty I would feel that weekend. My graduation was supposed to be on my dad and grandfather’s birthday, which was really exciting. I talked about this already, but I basically just distracted myself with trashy T.V. (I’m kidding Station 19. I enjoyed watching you)
It just felt really weird celebrating. Graduation didn’t feel real until the Sunday after my “graduation day” when I celebrated via video chat with my best friends and took pictures with my family. After that, I was in this haze of under productivity. There were two weeks where I practically did nothing. I’m surprised that I even got my grad school application done on time. I tutored college chemistry online to a few students, which was good since I was able to make some money. I didn’t completely waste my time, but I also just didn’t feel like doing anything. My routine was completely off because of Ramadan. All five of us (my parents, brothers, and I) would stay up till 4 or 5 AM every day.
Eid and Ramadan didn’t feel the same. I didn’t go to any parties or see my family members. The mosques were closed, which I’m glad about because I’m sure it prevented some spread of Covid-19. My family dressed up and we ate good food. It was nice.
Georgia has prematurely opened, as you’ve probably heard in the news. I was really angry and upset about people going out for no essential reason, especially since multiple family members of mine and family friends have died of Covid-19. A hairdresser in Missouri exposed 91 people to Covid-19, and I’m sure thousands of others are spreading it around. I had to unfollow some people I know because seeing them be irresponsible and still meeting up with people. I’ve heard multiple young people say, “I’m probably immune, anyway,” disregarding the fact that they’re putting their own grandparents in danger and that a 17-year-old died of coronavirus in Georgia.
I was just holding a lot of background anxiety and anger about it all. The Navajo Nation has surpassed New York in the amount of coronavirus cases. When they asked the government for help, they were sent body bags. I was reeling from that. If you are Native American, I can’t even begin to express how sorry I am that the government treats you this way. This is just one example of many ways the U.S. has screwed you over. Doctors Without Borders had to be sent there to help.
Then George Floyd was murdered. I couldn’t watch the whole video, but the entire time, every other video of a police officer killing a black person and story I’ve heard since middle school flashed through my mind. I felt so angry and devastated, so I can’t imagine how much angrier the black community is right now. This just keeps happening and nothing has changed.
I don’t have the right words to say here. I feel like I’ve used up all my good words talking to people individually and explaining to them why these protests are important and making a difference. Now I just don’t know how to express it in a blog post. A mixed-Youtuber said something that described that feeling perfectly “It shouldn’t be one person talking to thousands. It should be thousands of people having individual one-on-one conversation.” I have always been very consistent when it comes to politics and my beliefs and I think I make more of a difference when I have conversations with people I know, so I won’t go as deeply as I normally do on this blog. All I can say is that I’m with you and am doing everything I can to help because black lives do matter.
The first few days, I had a lot of text conversations with people explaining that every change in history happened because of protesting. Women wouldn’t have rights if not for suffragettes smashing windows and detonating bombs in U.K cities, and gay marriage nor adoption would be legal now without the Stonewall Riots (I was really glad that this became a part of the conversation during Pride month because I used that example repeatedly in May). It killed me to not be able to be a part of the protests because I normally go to protests, both in Atlanta and in Athens, and now I can’t because I have two at-risk family members. I honestly had to stop myself from going a few times because I know that it’s not safe for them.
I mailed my absentee ballot and have been donating money, but it still doesn’t feel like enough. I wish the pandemic wasn’t happening because I know these protests would be twice as large and would create even more change. But I’m also really worried about all of the protester contracting Covid-19, specifically because of the way the police are attacking and detaining people.
The other day, I was thinking about the first time I ever went to a protest three and a half years ago. I didn’t tell anybody because I didn’t want to explain why I needed to go or answer, “What’s the point? It doesn’t make a difference,” and I continued going to them. I remember a girl I knew in high school telling me , “Oh, but it was basically a Black Lives Matter protest, so I didn’t go,” as if it was a bad thing. This conversation happened in my Freshman year of college, not that long ago. Police killing black people should not be a controversial opinion.
I looked through photos from the first march I went to in January 2017, and the first photo I saw was of a white man holding a sign that wrote, “Silence is Violence – Black Lives Matter,” which is exactly what some of the current signs say. It was the most desolating feeling because it felt like nothing had changed since then, and I was praying that this time would be different. I was angry that we didn’t come together years or decades before and that even a few months ago, a company tweeting “Black Lives Matter” was controversial and now it’s expected. I am not upset about this as a POC/BIPOC. I’m upset as a human. So many black men and women have been murdered for decades for going for a run, sleeping in their homes, going to the store, and so many other mundane things. I wish we had done this sooner.
I’m happy to see that it’s making a difference. The conversation hasn’t faded away and multiple states are changing the way their police departments are run. Other countries are acknowledging police brutality against Black and Indigenous people in their own countries, like Canada and Australia, where it is usually slipped under the rug because they make up such a small percentage of the population. Looking at the photo below doesn’t make me feel hopeless as it did two weeks ago.
May was a heavy month. I can’t believe that I still have the bandwidth to worry or be angry about more. I’m worried about more people dying of coronavirus (mainly from the conservative people who are refusing to wear masks and are going out willy-nilly. I’m not angry about the protesters who are exercising their rights and making a difference, most of whom are wearing masks and are making their best attempts at social distancing). I’m worried about the doctor/nurse suicide rate going up. I’m scared for the citizens who are being tear gassed and shot at with rubber bullets (which are made of metal, by the way, and are not meant to be shot directly at people) for protesting peacefully and the homeless people who are being detained by the police for “being out passed curfew.”
And I’m angry about other things too. College students in Georgia are anonymously reporting their rapists, and I’m upset that they likely won’t get justice. I’m pissed off that no one is acknowledging Anonymous/Hacktivists’ verified documents proving that Donald Trump raped multiple children and he isn’t in prison for it. I couldn’t bring myself to read the entire thing because I was disgusted by the things he did and devastated that those children never got any justice. This happened the 31st of May, and I’ve barely heard the news talk about it.
(I’m also worried about murder hornets and gypsy moths destroying our ecosystems and new laws allowing companies to destroy the environment).
Honestly, the best way to describe May is that it’s been full of background anxiety, worry, and anger.
That’s pretty much it. I had finished the goals portion of this post last week and it was supposed to go up on Friday, but I just couldn’t bring myself to reflect on the month until now.
I’m upset that I can’t protest because that has honestly been an outlet for me to let out my frustration and feel like I’m making a difference, whether when there were school shootings or the mosque shooting in New Zealand. One of my black friends told me that she felt guilty for not going due to coronavirus, but to be honest, that’s not the word I would use for myself. I don’t feel guilty because I’ve accepted my reasons and there’s no way I would ever risk my brother, and I know 100% that I would go if circumstances were different. I have no doubt in my mind about that, but I still feel useless.
I’m going to spend June doing things I have some control over and getting back into a routine. I will leave a few links below on what we can do to help. I’ll likely continue being very active on social media about current events, but I want to start writing blog posts again. I felt very off about writing in general last month, but I want to get back to it. Expect a Harry Potter post on Friday.
I hope all of that wasn’t too rambly. I am much more articulate about this issue in real life, but I just couldn’t start writing my regular content until I addressed this.
What are your goals for June? How have you been doing these past few weeks?