My twentieth birthday was a crazy time. I was in the middle of three very large trips and didn’t have time to write long-winded anecdotal blog posts like this. I wrote out this list when I was nineteen, a week before I turned twenty. I’m twenty-one now, so it’s taken me over a year to finally flesh out this post. The reason I’m not doing 21 things I’ve learned in 21 years is that I can think of twenty things I’ve learned in just the last year, and that would be way too long. (This post is 5000 words)
Everything written in this post includes lessons learned before I started my twenties, and I have a lot more time to make mistakes. Without further ado, here are 20 things I learned before turning 20.
1.//Working out becomes easy when it is a habit
Before college, I didn’t work out at all. Like, I seriously did nothing in terms of exercise. In high school, I didn’t do any sports, run, or lift weights. I focused completely on school because I went to one of the hardest high schools in the country. I also never really needed to work out. I’m 5’9.5″ so I’m naturally very skinny. Nobody ever mentioned to me that I needed to work out, so it was the last thing on my mind.
When I started college, I became very excited about the prospect of working out and created goals for myself to start. At first, it was painful and I was very sore, but I kept working out multiple times a week consistently. After a while, exercising stopped being one of my weekly or monthly goals because it had become a regular habit. Starting is always the hardest step, but once I started working out regularly, it became easier to continue. In fact, I feel a difference in how much energy I have when I stop working out, which makes me want to work out more.
I’ve seen this come to fruition in many other aspects. An example of this is flossing. I was like every other kid who hated flossing and lied to the dentist every time they’d ask. When I was seventeen, I started flossing regularly and now it’s a part of my daily routine. My teeth don’t feel as clean when I don’t floss because I’ve gotten used to cleaning in between them. It’s really difficult to start healthy habits, but they become easy after they become a regular part of your life.
Related – A Practical Guide To Working Out Regularly In College
2.//Save more than you spend. Make smart financial decisions
I didn’t have a job all throughout high school. My parents didn’t let me because they wanted to focus on my studies. This meant that I would have to be very savvy about the money I had. Ever since I was little, I would save as much of my money as I could. No one told me to do this; I just always have and that habit has stayed with me even now as an adult.
Despite never having a job, I came out of high school with $1000 in savings. I still spent money in high school on things like prom tickets, outings with friends, dates, books….but I still managed to save that much birthday and Eid money. I’ve carried that frugality with me in my lifestyle in college as well.
Related – 13 Things I DON’T Do To Save Money In College
3.//Things won’t always follow your timeline, but it’ll work out eventually
This is a lesson I’ve learned time and time again throughout my life. You are always going to make plans for your life, but those plans may not come to fruition when you want them to. There are many examples I can give you for this, but I’ll only talk about two.
I guess I’ll start with my college decision a few years ago. I think every high schooler is excited about moving out and living in a dorm and having a typical college experience. I wasn’t an anomaly in that. I wanted that life too, but due to many factors, I decided to stay at home. I don’t regret that decision at all, but I had definitely missed out on a lot of the freedom and fun that comes with college.
I wasn’t worried about this because I knew that I would move out and live near campus eventually. Even if it wasn’t when I turned 18, I knew that at some point I would have a typical college experience. And lo and behold, I moved out in August.
My second example is my goal to travel to Europe last year. Everything was all set. I had saved more than enough money and had an itinerary planned and everything. But then, a lot of personal things happened and I ended up having to give my dad half of my life savings. It really sucked that I had to give up such a huge dream, but I’m not worried that I’ll never go. I know that I’m going to backpack Europe at some point in college. It’s just postponed by a year.
Both these examples are related to me being a part of a special needs family. My brother has autism, so I’ve had to deal with these types of setbacks my entire life. But I think that everyone can benefit from the mindset that plans will happen eventually even if they don’t follow our timeline.
4.//Ask the guy out. Be the first one on the dance floor. Don’t have regrets. Be spontaneous.
I am not a naturally spontaneous person. I wrote about that in the post linked below, but basically, my natural tendency is to play things safe. The thing is, no one I know would describe me that way! At the beginning of school dances, when everyone would stand around and talk, I would drag my friends onto the dance floor and we’d be the only ones dancing. I don’t usually wait for people to ask me out. I ask them out and I’ve had some pretty great relationships because of that. The reason I would do this is that I didn’t want to have any regrets in high school. I enjoyed every second of it and never looked back.
Even now as a twenty-one year old, I still hold myself back from the things I want to do. I’ve learned that I’m better off and happier just doing the things I want to do, instead of waiting for the perfect moment. You only regret the chances you didn’t take.
Related – Spontaneity Doesn’t Come Naturally To Me
5.//You’ll know when you’re ready
On that note, I’d like to add this lesson to the list. You’ll know when you’re ready. You can get your learner’s permit when you’re fifteen in Georgia, so I had the option to learn to drive in my Freshman year of high school. The thing is, I was terrified of driving. I just didn’t think I was ready to control a giant metal machine I could accidentally kill people with.
And I postponed getting a permit for a long time. I would make excuses to my parents on why I didn’t want to go to the DMV. I just really wasn’t ready to drive. I could totally deal with my parents dropping me off on dates because the thought of driving scared the shit out of me. (And I’m South Asian. That’s not a thing most South Asian parents do)
And then, when I was seventeen, I felt ready. That was that. I didn’t feel scared and I was ready to get my permit, so I got my permit and got my license a week after I turned 18 (You don’t need to wait the full year once you’re an adult). And I love driving so much. I was a confident driver from the beginning because I felt ready to control a giant machine I could kill people with.
And I’ve used this lesson for other things too. This blog is an example. My friend pestered me to start a blog for years before convincing me. Once I decided to start a blog, I did a lot of research and prewrote posts, but waited until after I graduated high school because I knew it was the right time to do it. (How was that for a run-on sentence!)
You know when you’re ready to do things, just don’t let your parents or society hold you back from the things you want to do. There’s a balance.
6.//It’s expensive to live a boring no-frills life
I went to an all-girls charter school for middle school, so my education there wasn’t standard. It was definitely a great decision because I had two math classes every day, and literature and writing were separate classes. It certainly prepared me for my vigorous high school, but there were other classes too.
Because it was a charter school, it wasn’t bound by state curriculum, so there was a semester class everyone had to take called Ivy Bound. In that class, we learned about things like creating mock budgets, how to apply for a job, search for apartments, etc. A lot of college graduates complain about there not being a class teaching you about life in the real world, but I was lucky enough to have that class in the seventh grade.
When we’re younger, we’re told if we get a college degree and get a job, we’ll be able to afford things like a house and a cup of coffee once in a while. In reality, just going out to eat can be a huge expense in and of itself. It’s expensive to live a no-frills frills life. Budgeting rent, food, and gas can take up the bulk of our budget, so things like going out for coffee or getting a manicure aren’t always regular occurrences. Once you add things like vacations into the mix, there isn’t always money left over.
Once I was done with middle school, I was very thoughtful about how I spent my money and knew about things like student loan payments and credit cards. Knowing this has given me reasonable expectations about my future.
Related – Why I Decided To Get A Credit Card In College
7.//You are exactly like your parents
I think this is the only reason I was so okay with living with my parents in college. I couldn’t get mad at them because I knew they reacted the same way I would. I’ve always been more like my dad, but in the last few years, I can see how similar my personality is to my mom’s. It’s funny to think about and I rarely get mad at my parents anymore.
Related – How To “Survive” Living With Your Parents In College
8.//The secret to contentment is knowing things can be much worse
The summer before my freshman year of high school, tragedy struck a family that we know of. I didn’t know them, but I remember my dad’s friend telling us about what happened. A woman’s family was driving back home from a party or something. They took separate cars back, so she went to the grocery store before heading home. When she got back, her house had burned down and her husband and children were dead. She had lost everything. What she went through was worse than death.
That story has stayed with me after all these years. I don’t get upset about many things because I know that things can be a lot worse. We always talk about how we can lose everything in a matter of seconds, but it actually happening to someone really resonated with me. I talked about this in more detail in this post: On Living For The Future | The Collegiate Life Crisis (It’s one of my favorites) I recommend you read it.
9.//”No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
In other words…don’t give a crap. Not caring what other people think has made me a much happier person. An example of this is high school. I absolutely loved high school. I had amazing friends, I goofed around, took pictures for the yearbook, and just all-around had fun. It wasn’t until college that I found out that a lot of people didn’t like me and my close friends. A friend of mine told us that in freshman year of college, and all we said, “Really? We didn’t notice.” Because we really didn’t! We were too busy enjoying ourselves and didn’t even bother to listen to what others said about us.
And I also know that a lot of other people did like me as a person. No one remotely interesting is universally well-liked. It’s okay if people don’t like you. They can’t make you feel inferior without your consent.
Anyway, my friends and I always joke that we “won high school” because we never noticed that some people disliked us. It makes me happy looking back because I know that your mindset changes your experiences.
10.//Physical chemistry matters a lot in a relationship
Prior to being in a relationship, my information about love came from books. Books make it seem like you had physical chemistry with anyone you were mentally and emotionally compatible with. That caring about someone was what was important and the physical stuff would work itself out.
To preface this, I haven’t had sex yet, but physical chemistry includes more than just sex. I have been in multiple relationships and one of them ended because of our lack of physical chemistry. He and I were able to talk about heavy stuff, had fun together, and had known each other for a long time, but there was something missing. It was that we didn’t have physical chemistry.
We were both very new to dating at the time, so we thought it was inexperience at first. But it became clear that we just weren’t physically compatible.
And in the years since then, I understand what was missing and that you don’t need to have an emotional connection to have chemistry with someone. I’ve had amazing chemistry with people I wasn’t in a relationship with, and that’s completely normal.
I’ve also learned that physical chemistry is important in a relationship. Prior to learning this, I thought that if you communicate with and are truly friends with your partner, you can have a solid relationship. But how you feel when they hug you is an important factor.
11.//The secret to positive body image is to not have a mirror
I was basically the Anne Hathaway transformation in The Princess Diaries. I was not pretty in middle school. At least not in my day-to-day. I’ve always been a pretty low maintenance person. I don’t wear makeup or do my hair. In middle school, this is what I looked like: glasses, braces, pimples, and a long braid down my back. I was also lanky, flat chested, and tall, which did not do any favors for my school uniform. But here’s the thing…I didn’t know that I wasn’t pretty.
It took me a long time to figure out why I’ve always had a blasé attitude towards my appearance, but I figured it out in junior year of high school. In 11th grade, my mom put a mirror in my room. Prior to that, I had gotten ready every day without a mirror. I was completely fine with that since I didn’t wear makeup and could brush my hair without one. After a few weeks, I started noticing flaws in my appearance and fixated on them.
Here’s the thing, I never really looked at myself in the mirror. Even in the bathroom. I would just wash my hands and leave. After getting a mirror in my room, I started looking at myself more and I started feeling less secure.
After realizing that Katniss was right in the book Catching Fire, I started looking in the mirror less often, and it worked! I don’t really have any problem with my appearance because I never look at myself. Whenever people ask me to point out my physical flaws, I always my pimples and dark spots, but those don’t really bother me that much because I never see them.
By not looking in the mirror and assuming that I am beautiful has made me more beautiful. Confidence shines through when you don’t notice your flaws.
12.//You Don’t Need To Confront Your Bullies
Some people dream about seeing their bullies again years later and showing off how great their lives are. I was never one of those people. I can honestly say that after a few years, I barely gave them a thought. I very happily moved on with my life.
In tenth grade, my friends and I went to International Night. I went to a very small and diverse STEM school, so everyone would invite friends from other schools to attend. It was a huge event and there was a show at the end. I had sat down in a seat for the show next to one of my friends. There was a girl in front of me. I didn’t recognize her, but she recognized me.
She looked behind me and said, “Hey! Triasha! Do you remember me?”
I smiled at her, but her face didn’t ring a bell.
She pointed at herself and said, “It’s me. [Insert Name Here].”
A hundred memories from third grade entered my head. This girl tormented me in third grade. And now, she was looking right at me. My face just went blank.
There were a million things I could have said to her or bragged to her about, but none of that crossed my mind. I just stared blankly at her and said, “Yes. I remember you.” Then I got up and walked away. I remember my friend looking confused and following me ten seconds later with the jacket I left on my seat.
Here’s the thing. All the people who were mean to you in the past don’t really matter. That reaction was completely instinctual. I didn’t think about it. After a certain point, I think we all become mature enough to know what’s worth saying and what’s worth walking away from. I’m only 21. I’m sure there will be many moments in the future where I won’t walk away at the right time, whether that’s a job or a relationship, but I have learned that you don’t need to confront your bullies. They don’t mean anything in your life now.
13.//There are open-minded conservatives and closed-minded liberals
I wrote an entire post about this and I hope you’ll read it. All I’m saying is that not all republicans are racist. I’m glad I learned this before the 2016 election because it has made me a lot more understanding when it comes to other people’s ideas and decisions. Read the post below for more detail because this post is already really long.
Related – My Experience Dating A Republican (As A Muslim-American Woman In Georgia)
14.//You have to feel pain in order to appreciate the mundane
I can think of many moments this lesson has appeared in my life. One example of this is in my Freshman year of college. I commuted in my first year of college, which made it hard to make friends. Now that I live in a dorm, I can verify that it is a lot easier to meet new people when you live on campus. Anyway, I had a lot of alone time in my freshman year, which was quite refreshing after years of constantly being surrounded by people. I was telling my dad this and he asked if I was lonely. I knew what actual loneliness felt like, so I said no. “Good,” he said, “It’s good that you can be alone without being lonely. Most people can’t tell the difference.”
Another example of this lesson is fasting. I was raised Muslim, so I fasted during Ramadan (Not all 30 days, though. We weren’t that religious). Whenever I’m asked what I learn from that, I say, “I thought about world hunger a lot more than most 11-year-olds.” because it’s true. For those of you who don’t know, in the month of Ramadan, you don’t eat or drink anything from sunrise to sunset. One of the reasons Muslims do this is to learn what hunger feels like so that they will be more charitable to the poor (at least that’s what I was taught). I think that was an important thing to learn. I’ve been hungry and thirsty (in a very controlled setting. Don’t get me wrong. It sucked, but we were all fine), so that has taught me not to be wasteful and to be more sympathetic towards those who have less.
The painful moments in your life make the mundane ones much sweeter.
15.//Friends make everything better
Looking back at my life, I can honestly say that the worst moments were when I had nobody to talk to. In third and fourth grade, my two best friends in the world moved to Bangladesh and I was completely alone. I used to look back at that first year as “circumstantial” depression (I know better now) and that I felt lonely because I was actually alone. I didn’t have any friends in school and was bullied a lot. I never really told my parents about my problems because even at the age of nine, I didn’t want to be a “burden” to them, which is something I think every special needs sibling understands. You see all the problems they face and you don’t want to add to it.
(As a disclaimer, my parents were awesome and I totally felt comfortable telling them things. I just didn’t want to dump my problems on them when they already had so many)
But anyway, I met one of my best friends in the world in fifth grade, and we transferred to an all-girls charter school in middle school, where we met an amazing group of friends who are still my favorite people to this day. Everyone complains about how horrible middle school and high school were, but I loved those seven years because I was surrounded by people who I could talk to about anything. I think no matter how bad your circumstances are, true friends make life better.
16.//Short hair > long hair
I have to learn this lesson time and time again. I have thin, silky, and oily hair. It’s very soft and low maintenance, but there isn’t a lot of it. My hair thins out the longer it gets and I always love getting haircuts. I just don’t do it often. I chop off 9-inches in one go and don’t cut it again for a year. I absolutely love short hair. I’m lazy and it’s nice to wake up with my hair already done, as long as I shower. It’s great. I love it and I should keep it short more often. My hair would be so much healthier for it.
17.//My normal is different from other people’s normal. That’s okay.
I never used to talk about my brother having autism. Not because I was ashamed or embarrassed. It was because I had never known anything different. Driving hours away to see doctors multiple times a week was something normal in my routine. When I was older, I would tell my friends that I grew up in hospital waiting rooms because I have so many memories watching Disney movies with my youngest brother while my parents talked to specialists (I think that’s the reason I know so much movie trivia.)
I talk about my brother a lot, now. More than most special needs siblings. And it’s not because I have a “woe is me” attitude about it. It’s because it’s completely normal. I remember one day waking up a year or two ago and realizing, my friends don’t have to deal with this. They wake up in the morning and know that their sibling will be able to go to college and get a life and that their parents won’t be tied down with taking care of their sibling for the rest of their lives. Like, this is something my brother Zidan and I discuss constantly. People don’t really get it. It’s not our responsibility to explain things to people and it’s really hard when I’m talking about such a big part of my life and how it’s affected, when people tell me, “Well, it’s not that bad. People have it worse.”
Which is 100% true. We are thankful all the time that Mysoon can walk. That he can see. That he can understand us even if he can’t communicate with us. But that doesn’t make things less hard. I talk about him all the time because it is normal. It’s our normal. It shouldn’t be a taboo thing to talk about. In fact, I want to write about it more, but it’s emotionally exhausting.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this. I’ll stop now.
Related – 7 Things People With Special Needs Siblings Understand
18.//Atlanta is my city. I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else
I’ve already talked about knowing I can never leave, and the decisions that were taken away from me due to my brother having autism. I won’t go into too much depth here because I wrote an entire post about that. My other brother, Zidan, and I have talked about this a lot; about the fact that we can never leave Atlanta. It has never really bothered me and the older I get, the more I realize that I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. This is my home. My family is here. My friend are here. My life is here. Even though other people will move away, I know that I never could.
I know that if my circumstances were different, I would’ve bee one of those people who move to a place like New Yor or LA only to realize that her hometown is where it’s at. I’m glad I figured that out early on because it takes a burden off my shoulders. Besides, I can travel places without committing to living there. (and New York is overrated anyway)
Related – Knowing You Can Never Leave | On Growing Up With A Special Needs Sibling
19.//Indulge your mother
I am my parents’ only daughter and was the only granddaughter for a long period of time, so everyone always wanted to dress me up and put makeup on me. I hated it. When I was little, I didn’t care because I was a child, but I was completely anti-makeup as a teenager. I didn’t like it and didn’t see the point of it.
One of my friends was also like that but to an even more extreme. Her mom went to beauty school and always wanted to have her daughters dress up for parties, but my friend was super stubborn about it and would not give an inch. It was fine because she had a younger sister who enjoyed that type of stuff, but I don’t. I realized that I didn’t want to be as stubborn as my friend and stopped fighting my mom about trivial things like makeup. It makes her very happy and I actually like wearing makeup now (occasionally).
Another example of this is my sixteenth birthday. I hate being the center of attention, so having a sweet sixteen wasn’t even a thought in my mind. It’s also a very American thing, so my mother bringing it up a few months before my birthday was a huge surprise. I told her no right off the bat. My brother and my dad also told her no, too. “She doesn’t want one.”
My mom, of course, didn’t listen and threw me one anyway. She told me outright that this was more for her and that she wanted to do this for her daughter. I could decide what I wanted to do for my future daughter, but she wanted to do this for me now. I accepted that it was going to happen, but I’d constantly remind her that I didn’t want to have this party. When I realized that I was making her feel bad, I stopped. Being a dick about it wasn’t going to help anyone, so I got on board.
And you know what? It was…fine. The party was great and it was nice to be with so many friends and family on my birthday, but literally EVERYONE was sick that weekend. None of us went to school that Monday. We had recovered from our fevers at that point, but my parents just didn’t feel like taking us to school.
My point here is to indulge your mother. I don’t regret either of those things because they make her happy and that makes me happy.
20.//There will never be a moment where you know what you’re doing
I’m glad I figured this out early on because I know there’s no point in trying to feel like an adult. I know that I will never really feel like I know what I’m doing. I still have to remind myself that I don’t have to let my parents know every time I go out. I don’t live with them anymore and I’m twenty-one. Most 21-year-olds don’t even think about letting their parents know because they’re adults, but that is still a habit I’m learning to let go of. That’s a very surface level example. There are so many more lessons to learn in terms of things like taking care of my car, buying a house, being in a serious relationship…all the “adult” things we thought would click when we were a kid, but never will.
I will never truly feel like I know what I’m doing because life is going to keep changing and unexpected things will keep happening. I’ve just got to roll with the punches.
I hope you guys enjoyed because this was exhausting to write. I could’ve written ten posts in the time it took me to write this one. I’ll write another one when I’m 25. I think five years is enough time for me to grow and change drastically enough to warrant another doozie of a post like this. I’ll see you next time.
P.S. – The picture of me in the image is from my trip to Canada. I was already 20 when that picture was taken ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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What are some big lessons you learned before entering your twenties? Do you have any advice for me?